Pocket Full of Kitties, Doggies, and Princesses
by blahstupidblahugh
Summary: When Tomoyo enters Horitsuba Gakuen a new team of KuroTomo fangirls arrise. What will happen when they meet the already formed KuroFai Club? Hilarity ensues. Includes KuroFai, SyaoronYuui, and various others that you would expect.
1. Prologue

**Anime/Manga: **Tsubasa/Horitsuba Gakuen Omake  
**Couples: **KuroFai, KuroTomo, KuroMoko, etc  
**Rating: **T  
**Warnings: **For hetero fans: Boy love! For Boy Love fans: Hetero love!  
**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

P R O L O G U E

The Exchange of Epic Proportions and Etc

Typicalness was always a plus according to Kurogane's Guide Book to a Well Organized Lifestyle—as in a sense that everything was normal and went the way it should and so on and so on. No obnoxious chemistry teacher, no literature "director" on crack. Just nice and easy and by the book.

"Amazing," Fai D. Fluorite, chemistry professor, Princess of Annoyance and Disturbancey. _Ahem._ Excuse me—Prince. (Though considering the blond's knack for cross dressing randomly might make one think otherwise.) The lean man was staring off into the distance as if in a meaningful trance.

_Meaningful? _Kurogane scoffed. _Not likely._

"What?" the gym teacher barked back duly. "What's 'amazing'?"

"Amazing," Fai repeated. "That organisms"—he pointed to the microscope slide—"will eat other organisms. _Living_ organisms—or once living if they eat eaten. They have each other for breakfast. It's cannibalism. It's survival of the fittest. It's Amigo vs. Amigo. It's—"

"Is there, y'know, any point to this little monologue?" Kurogane asked bluntly. "No? Well, that's nice and all but I'm pretty sure lunch is almost over and I need to get back to—"

And then _she_ burst in. That overly tall, large-breasted woman with the long and dark satin hair and those 'Omaigosh, they totally match yours, Kuro-chi!' eyes as Fai called them.

But Fai was weird. And Kurogane usually stayed clear of weird objects.

Ichihara Yuuko was sporting a new outfit that seemed to be crafted by herself to appear to look similar to the actual school uniform, but tres, tres more stylish.

"Hello, Fai-chan! Hello, Kurogane-sensei!" she gushed as she strolled confidently into the lab room.

"Oh, good morning . . .or evening . . .or morvening!" Fai greeted cheerfully kissing Yuuko a kiss on both cheeks which she returned graciously.

"Mor . . . vening?" Kurogane raised an eyebrow.

"It's a new word I just made up! It means between morning and evening! Morvening! Isn't it cute, Kuro-wan?" Fai asked hopefully, balling up with hands and bouncing on his tip-tops.

"No."

"WAAAHH~" The chemistry professor suddenly cried, rushing into the arms of an eager Yuuko. "Kuro-meanie-sensei is so mean!" he whimpered through obviously fake sobs.

"Grrr, shut up, Fluorite!" the dark-haired man snarled.

"Oooh," the insany-in-the-brainy literary teacher cooed. "How rude. How enormously rude. Anyway," she said, letting go of Fai and turning to the both of them, "we have a new transfer student. I'd like you to show her around, okay?"

"Yay, yay! Of course, Yuuko-sensei!" the blond squealed.

"No."

"What was that, Kurogane?" Yuuko asked seriously.

"No."

"No?" she repeated as if she didn't understand the meaning of the word.

"That's right—no. No way in hell. I have to much work to do—"

"Zankou."

"What?"

"Zankou."

". . .What is that supposed to mean?!"

"ZankouZankouZankou!" Yuuko chanted and Fai joined along.

Kurogane gawked. "This is ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous." He shook his head. "Have you two no shame?"

"No!" they cried in unison.

"Well . . . Where's the new guy?"

Yuuko beamed and made her way to the door, opening it. "May I present—Daidoji Tomoyo!" Fai clapped and Kurogane stared as a petite girl with long raven-black hair and violet eyes entered the room confidently.

"I made Yuuko-san's outfit," the little girl said, "if you were wondering. I like making clothes."

"Yup, yup!" Yuuko chimed. "And aren't they fabulous?" She did a model-like twirl.

"Totally fabu!" Fai agreed.

This was . . . ridiculous, Kurogane thought for the thousandth time. "Okay, so let's get this over with. Come on, Tomoyo. . . ." He trailed off, squinting.

"Hime," Fai stated.

"What?"

"Hime. Tomoyo-hime. Princess Tomoyo," he chirped in his homeland language.

"Wow." The small girl giggled. "That's so nice. Thank you, Fai-sensei."

"Call me Fai-chan!"

"Fai-chan . . . and Kurogane-meanie-sensei?" The was a hint of amusement in her voice.

Kurogane blushed admittedly and shouted, "NO. NO. _NO_. It's _Kurogane_! KU-RO-GA-NE."

"Alrighty then!" Yuuko interrupted, clapping her freshly red-painted nail-clad hands together. "Let's get this show on the road!"

And so they got this show on the road.

That is—they showed Tomoyo around the school—her classrooms, the cafeteria, the gym, the restrooms--etc, etc. Fai did this in an annoying way that's not recommended--like bursting into classrooms and greeting the surprised teachers or the girls(and boys) restrooms. "This is Tomoyo-hime, everyone!" he would bellow.

_Oh Lord in Heaven__,_ Kurogane thought. _This is going to be a long day. _

Tomoyo seemed to instantly like Kurogane—she thought he was honest and adorably flustered--a good, brave man overall. She also liked Fai, because, well, Fai was Fai just like Mokona was Mokona in a way. She also thought Fai was pretty unlike most men. Kurogane wasn't pretty—handsome, yes—but pretty? No, just no. Actually, Fai was beautiful. She would love to dress him up. She knew the perfect colors that would go well with his pale skin, his golden hair, and his bright sky-blue eyes.

The perfect clothes. And she would design them. When she was older she would have her own clothing line—_Culture of the Princess by Tomoyo_. Or something fancy sounding like that.

"Fai-chan?" Tomoyo said quietly after the tour.

"Hm?"

"May I dress you up? Please?"

Fai blinked. Kurogane raised an eyebrow. Fai grinned.

"Why, I would be honored to be your dress up doll, Tomoyo-hime!" he gushed.

And so they ran of together, leaving poor Kurogane behind. Kurogane could swear that they were running in slow motion, their eyes twinkling, and frilly, pink bubbles parading around them.

Of course, it could have just been his imagination.

So was that little, "Oh ho ho ho!"


	2. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

C H A P T E R O N E

_My How Time Flies_

"Your balls are so beautiful," Tomoyo remarked, gazing at Kurogane with piercing, luminous orbs.

". . . So are yours," Kurogane aimed back, his toned-muscles glistening nicely as he flexed unintentionally. He quirked a finely sculpted brow and ran his fingers threw his fine, dark hair.

. . . Steamy silence.

"I digress," Fai said suddenly. "Tomoyo's balls are quite dingy, Kuro-pin." He pointed accusingly.

"Yeeaah," Tomoyo sneered, holding up a pair of grungy, low-on-air basketballs.

"Why'd you give Tomoyo-hime the cheap ones, Kuro-wan?" Fai snapped playfully. "Why would you keep the good ones for yourself. Tomoyo-hime is a lady!"

"Yeah, Kurogane-sensei, why?" Tomoyo was a great actress. She played off the part of a heart-broken teenager very well. "Why?! _Why_ would you do such a thing?!"

"Mea-nie! Mea-nie!" Fai hopped up and down, poking Kurogane. The bigger man then preceded to thwack the chemistry teacher on the head. "Owwie! Kuro-bun is so violent."

"I can't believe he hits you," Tomoyo said. "That's awful. I'm going to have to report you to social securities, Kurogane-sensei, for wife abuse."

Kurogane wasn't "not happy."

'Not happy' was an understatement, in fact.

"Just shut up and keep practicing, please."

~H O R I T S U BA !~

"Are you in love?"

"Kuro-wankou is in love."

"Are you? Are you really?"

"Kuro-wankoro likes fresh, girl booties. Ho ho ho!"

Kurogane, Fai, and Tomoyo were all compacted in Kurogane's small gym office. Kurogane was filling out a sheet of game plans for Horitsuba Gakuen's upcoming first basketball game of the season while Fai and Tomoyo sat on his wooden desk pestering him.

"I'm not even going to bother to reply to that atrocious statement," Kurogane grumbled.

"Aw, Kuro-chan is so shy!" Fai giggled,

"So shy!" Tomoyo imitated.

Silence. But not steamy silence.

Tomoyo sighed. "I think I'm quitting the basketball team. I mean, I'm not really that good at it anyway. I'd rather join glee club, if that's all right with you, Kurogane-sensei."

Kurogane glared then huffed. "Fine. I don't care. I _don't_ care." He paused. "We don't have a glee club."

"You could join the science club!" Fai said excitedly then his face fell when Tomoyo twitched. So he added, "Or not. What about the cooking club run by my brother? I'm pretty sure Sakura's in it. Hmm. . . ." He seemed to go deep into thought.

Tomoyo smiled. "Sounds fun! And your brother is Yuui Flourite, right? Should I call him Yuui-chan as well?"

Fai gave a amused little laugh. "Nah, I think it's better to stick with Fluorite-sensei."

"He's not very much like you, huh?"

Fai grinned almost sadly. "No, not really. Not at all."

~H O R I T S U B A !~

"We are ninjas and we are on the prowl, Kurogane-sensei," Tomoyo said smoothly.

"Ninjas~!" whispered Fai dramatically, striking a silly karate pose.

"We are ninjas of the night and we will strike you down if you dare cross our path."

"Ninjas~!" Another pose.

"Stealthily we make our way to your destined place of residue."

"Ninjas~!"

"He is Crouching Kitty, I am Hidden Hime. And we"—Tomoyo and Fai positioned themselves back to back—"are ninjas~!"

"That's all very well, but what are we going to do with them?" Kurogane pointed two unconscious Syaorans.

"I didn't know he would actually pass out," Tomoyo explained. "I just wanted to try that pressure point thing."

"Ditto," Fai mused.

"See? We meant no harm." She looked cautiously from left to right. "Now let's scoot."

"Scoot~!"

Kurogane slapped a hand to his face. "This is ridiculous. Am I the only one with sense around here?"

"I have multitudes of sense," Tomoyo stated.

"Multitudes," Fai agreed.

"Right. Come on, Crouching Hime, Hidden Kitty or whatever the hell you call yourselves—let's get these guys to the nurse. . . ."

As they strolled away, Fai whispered discreetly to Tomoyo. "He's just grumpy because he could never have the skills to be a ninja."

~H O R I T S U BA !~

"We need Western names," Tomoyo said one sunny morning as they took a walk around the school.

"Why in the hell do we need Western names?" Kurogane asked irritably.

"Because they're _pretty_ and _cute_," she answered as if it was completely obvious.

"They sound like the words one speaks when one talks with their mouth open."

"That was racist and uncalled for."

"Sorry."

"You are not forgiven."

Fai yawned. "Guys, my fellow comrades, my two musketeers, my name is already kinda Western . . . Kinda. Actually, I think I'll name myself Marilyn Monroe!"

"I think that name fits you perfectly, Fai—I mean, Marilyn," Tomoyo said sincerely.

"Why thank you! Now for Kuro-pipi!"

"Bob," Tomoyo said.

"Bob?"

"Bob."

"Bobert."

"No, Bob."

"Bobert Bigbelly."

"Bob. Bob Bobert."

"Bob Bigbelly Bobert."

"Bob Bobeton Bobert."

"Oh, yes."

"Mmhmm."

"Oh, yes."

"Swordy."

"OH, YES!"

"Mr. Bob Swordy."

"OH, YES!"

Though he didn't no much about Western names and didn't really understand the joke, Kurogane was becoming slightly crept out. "Erm," he coughed. "What about Tomoyo?"

"Um. . . hm." Tomoyo shrugged and looked to Fai for help.

"If you were born Westernized, you would have been named Madison Taylor," Fai said sagely.

"Really?"

"Really."

Tomoyo blinked. "Madison Taylor? Madison. Taylor. Madison Taylor." He smiled at Fai. "Yes, I think it works."

~H O R I T S U B A !~

Fai was out sick one cloudy Friday.

"Are you and Fai friends?" Tomoyo asked Kurogane. She lay in the grass, her long, wild hair spread around her like a black fan. She nibbled on a banana. Kurogane sat beside her munching on a handful of potato chips.

"No."

"Acquaintances?"

"No."

"Colleagues?"

". . . Yes."

"That's what I thought." Tomoyo hopped up and held out her tiny, precious little hand. "Would you like to go get ice cream.

Go get ice cream? Seriously? It was so _girly_. So _childish_. So _un-Kurogane_. So _Fai-ish_.

He held out large his hand and took her small one.

"Yes."

~H O R I T S U B A !~

**AN: So. The first real chapter. And its very short. Well, its just made to get started. Aww, They're all BFFs. Also, this chapter is very random and senseless, but no worries this was just supposed to give you the feeling of them getting to know each other.**

**Getting to know yoouuu~ Getting to know all about yooouuu~**

**Ahem.**


	3. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

_C H A P T E R T W O : Creepers on the Horizon_

She had watched all these beautiful, romantic, savory moments with her own eyes. She marveled them. She worshiped them. She ate them for breakfast.

Momoko was in love.

Nanako was in despair.

~H O R I T S U B A~

Yoshimoto Nanako and Yoshimoto Momoko were not related despite their similar names. They were not friends. They were not classmates. They were not even rivals.

Yet.

They had nothing to do with each other. In fact, they didn't even know each other seeing that Nanako was in her senior year and Momoko was in her first.

Nanako was a rather pretty girl with wavy, light brown hair that she kept in a high ponytail most of the time. She was level headed and a bit short tempered. She liked to play soccer and was a member of countless clubs. She was Yuui's favorite student and could cook a mean _souffle_. Overall, she was pretty much one of the most popular girls in school, no doubt about it.

Nanako was also a member and the president of a certain club.

The KuroFai Club to be exact.

Nanako wasn't so sure she liked this new girl. Not so sure at all.

Momoko, on the other hand, was a chatterbox and in-your-face kind of person. She might have been small, but she could kick the butt of any guy that came in her way. She usually wore her sometimes-flat-iron-straight, sometimes-sausage-curled black hair in to cute little pigtails on the side of her head. (Today was a sausage curl day.) She loved watching old school zombie movies and collecting bizarre things like used cotton swabs. Though besides that, she was almost normal. Almost.

There was one little odd thing--she was president of a club.

The KuroTomo Club to be exact.

Nanako and Momoko did, however, share one thing in common. . . .

They loved to win.

~H O R I T S U B A !~

Kurogane wasn't sure if he liked underage females gazing at him with lust-filled eyes. It was rather unnerving. He wasn't a pedophile, after all. He sighed and tried to ignore the girls as they bounced around in their red short-short Sofie's and their white baby tees. He looked down at the role sheet and glanced over the names for the seventh time. Then he chewed on his pencil's eraser. He retied his tennis shoes. He unzipped and zippered his jacket. He pulled up his sweatpants a little higher, but not so much that he looked like an old grandpa.

He was so bored.

And nervous.

It was Valentines Day tomorrow. Valentines Day. Valentines Day! Day of the Valentines! La Saint-Valentin!

Valentines Day was a phony commercial-created holiday where little kids exchanged stupid, cheap cards with sayings on them like "I Shrek you!" or "Have a Swashbuckling Valentine Day, C'apin Jack!", while the teenagers and adults gave their significant others flowers and boxes of chocolate and dinner dates and you-know-what and etc. It was ridiculous.

Kurogane much prefers Halloween. At least it was less cheesy.

~H O R I T S U B A !~

Fai hummed happily to the tune of "Obsessed" by Mariah Carey. He had no idea why considering he found Mrs. Mariah very annoying indeed, but he respected her album name, "Memoirs of a Imperfect Angel." O! how ironic. Fai grinned to himself and gazed at his reflection in a test tube.

"Fai, you sly kitty, you," he gushed. "You_ are _an imperfect angel."

He looked up. The students stared at him with general "what-the-fudge" expressions.

"Why hello, young pupils of mine, isn't the day so fine, so divine? Oh, sigh. Oh, I try!"

Silence.

"That's, my children, was a romantic balled, or something, that I indeed made for the sake of. . . . Syaoran!" Fai suddenly squealed.

Li Syaoran admittedly snapped up from his not-so-subtle nap. "What? I wasn't sleeping! I swear, I swear on the Cards!"

"Syaoran," Fai said calmly. "Answer my question. What day is it, sugerbuns?"

"Su . . . Sug . . . Your . . . birth. . . day?" the brown-haired boy answered weakly.

"No."

"The forth of the July?"

"That actually happens on the forth of July, honeynugget. Also, this is Japan."

What day would be exceedingly important to Fai? Syaoran thought to himself.

"Day of Silence?"

"Now your just hurting my feelings."

"I'm sorry . . . Maybe you should Sakura-chan?" Syaoran muttered bashfully.

Ah, young love.

Fai gave one of those brilliantly creepy smiles of his to Sakura. "Well?"

"Valentine's Day?" Kinomoto Sakura squeaked.

"Correctomundo! And in celebration to this . . . No homeworko! Hyuu~!"

Happy silence.

~H O R I T S U B A !~

It was an odd day for our young Tomoyo-hime.

Tomoyo smiled uneasily as a girl clad with two black pigtails approached her, offering her a giant box of chocolates. "Here Tomoyo-sama!" she declared, falling on her knees. "Give it to Kurogane-sensei, your love! And then passionately make out with him!"

"W..what? _Sama_?" Tomoyo stared at the gift incredulously before an evil glint appeared in her eye and she barely reigned in her 'ho ho ho'. "Why thank you very much. I'll make sure it'll go in Kurogane's hands."

Then, bidding the girl farewell Tomoyo made her way to Fai's classroom. The blond man sat at his desk, his blue oval glasses on his head and his face furrowed in a cute look of concentration as he graded some tests.

"No, Saki-chan, squirrel liver isn't a key component to CO2." Fai paused. "Are there even squirrels in Japan? IDK, my BFF Kuro-chi!" He flipped to the his next paper. "'_Akito, man, Fai-sensei so totally makes me hot and bothered. I'm so totally going to ravish him tonight on his own desk_!' . . . What the—"

"Fai-sensei!" Tomoyo called out as she entered the room and Fai looked up, peering at Tomoyo over the rim of his now fallen glasses.

"Tomoyo-chan!" The blond called out enthusiastically, dropping his grading pencil and making his way over to her. "What are you doing here?"

"I have something for you to give to Kurogane-sensei," Tomoyo stated sweetly. "It's his favorite type of chocolates. But don't tell him I told you that okay?"

"Okay!" Fai said, "Thank you very much Tomoyo-chan! I'm sure Kuro-sama-sensei will love them." He blinked. _"Even thought he doesn't like chocolate. . . ." _he wanted to add.

"Of course!" She declared. And as Fai ran off giggling Tomoyo followed him, anticipation rising for when Fai would give Kurogane those chocolates.

What she didn't know was that a certain brown-haired girl lurked closely in the darkness.

~H O R I T S U B A !~

Yuui was content as he poured his brownie mix into his pan and placed it delicately into the hot oven. Closing the oven door, he straightened up and admired his work as his it was a child born from his own loins.

Because that's not creepy at all.

He grinned and sighed and leaned against the counter. Ah, what a relaxing day. What a nice, peaceful, relaxing—

"YYUUUIIIII~!"

Never mind.

Yuui opened the Home Economics classroom door to reveal an excited Fai D. Fluorite.

"Hello," Yuui said quietly.

"Greetings, brotha-o-mine!" the Chemistry professor chirped. "How's it been going?"

"Well, actually—"

"Oh my goodness, Yuui, listen!" Fai cut in, shoving a puppy-shaped-chocolate-box into his brother's face. "Little Tomoyo-hime gave me these to give to Big Puppy!"

"That's a smidge homoerotic."

"Your mom's a smidge homoerotic."

"Our deceased mother, God bless her soul, is a smidge what?"

"I don't know what I'm saying."

"Good."

Fai gazed at his blond twin and licked his lips. "I have something for you." He reached eagerly into his man-purse and placed a small pink object in Yuui's long-fingered hand.

Yuui looked down at his gift. "A pencil sharpener."

"It sharpens pencils. And," Fai said, leaning in and pointing, "it has a green penguin on the side. Cute!"

"That's not a penguin. That's a. . . ." '_A booger_,' he wanted to say but decided against it. "Thank you. I really like it."

"But not love."

Yuui smiled.

"Like you like me, but not love," Fai said—his tone was uncharacteristically serious.

"Fai. . . ."

"Well!" Fai chimed cheerfully. "I'm off to go chocolaify Kuro-pon-sensei!"

Yuui watched his brother skip away gaily (happily, mind you) and grimaced. "Damn, I burnt the brownies."

~H O R I T S U B A !~

"D-D-Doesn't H-H-Himawari-chan l-l-l-look a-a-adorable t-today?!" Watanuki Kimihiro spluttered as he watched the pretty, long-haired hair chatter with the other girls about boys and candy.

"No," stated Doumeki Shizuka bluntly.

"How rude! How terribly—Oh my Lord, she's coming over here!"

Kunogi Himawari skipped gracefully over to the two boys. "Hello, guys! I have valentines for both of you, you know!"

"V-v-v-valentines for m-m-m-me?" Watanuki stammered, going into a state of bliss.

"For both of us," Doumeki added.

"Shut up, you! You don't even deserve one!"

While the boys were fighting (well, more like Watanuki yelled and Doumeki just sat there) Himawari was approached by another girl. "Here," she said, handing her a dark blue pamphlet. The girl then preceded to whisper things into Himawari's ear. "Okay. I will." She glanced down at the paper. "Why blue? What does blue have to do with anything?"

"Because it's Momoko-sama's favorite color, okay?! Just come! I'm counting on you. We all are."

~H O R I T S U B A !~

Sakura blushed profusely as she approached Syaoran, carrying her valentine's gift.

_She could do this! She could do this! _

"Sy . . . Syaoran-kun?" she managed to say.

Syaoran turned around to face her. "Y-yes, Sakura-chan?" He was blushingly too—not that _Sakura_ noticed.

"I . . . ." She gazed into his brown eyes and he did the same to her green ones. "I wanted to give you—"

"WHY HELLO, SAKURA-CHAN!" burst forth an older girl, causing both of the S's to fall back.

"H-h-hello?" Sakura staggered.

"_Hi. Bonjour. Hola._ Ohayo," said the mysterious girl. "I would like to present you with this, Sakura-chan. Or do you prefer Kinomoto-san?"

"S-Sakura-chan is just fine," the light red-headed girl said, looking at Syaoran disparately. Just then the mystery girl leaned in and whispered in Sakura's ear.

Sakura blushed tres, tres profusely.

"Oh . . . My. O-okay."

"So you'll come?"

"Y-yes."

"Goodie!"

Sakura stared down at the light orange pamphlet and bit her lip.

_What does this even mean? _

**AN/: Oh innocent, naive Sakura. How cute and useless you are.**

**Um, so anyway my computer turned off randomly two times while I wrote this so I had to start over twice. Boo!**

**Er. . .I hope this is decent.**

**By the by, special props to my Kuro-rin, arcticbee, for inspiration on the Tomoyo getting chocolates paragraph. :) I just tweaked it a bit with the ludicrous Fai comments. **

**Remember, reviews save dying, eyeless kitties like Fai!  
**


	4. Chapter 3

**Disclamier: I own nothing except the story! The rest is owned by the lovely (and evil) CLAMP ladies.**

**Warnings: There's a tiny KuroYuui bit.**

C H A P T E R T H R E E : _The Ladies_

Fai skipped down the hall contently.

Contently he skipped down the hall.

The hall, he skipped down contently.

Contently.

"Kuroooo-puuuu-seeennsseeiii~!" he cooed, knocking on the gym teacher's door. "I-have-something-for-yoooouuu~!"

Kurogane grunted, slapping his palm against his face. (I know right.) He stood up and made his way to the door, unlocking it, hoping for the best, preparing for the worse.

Lord have mercy on his soul.

He opened it slowly.

Two enormous blue eyes gazed at his. A white, piercing grin. Long, girly pale lashes.

It was hideous.

"What?"

"I have a gift for you. For Valentine's Day."

"Is it a Get-Out-Of-A-Day-With-Fai-Free-Card?"

"No."

"Out."

"Excuse me?"

"Out."

"Oh."

The blond dipped his head in a dramatic way that made your heart flutter with guilt and pity. "O-okay. I-If that's . . . what you want. . . ." He began to leave.

"Wait, Fluorite." Kurogane hitched up his pants and heaved a sigh. "I want it."

Fai's head snapped up. "You want it?"

"Yes?"

"Ooh, Kuro-pervert-sensei's a perverted old maaa-yuuunn~!" Fai squealed, dodging a fist.

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU IDIOT!" Kurogane bellowed red in the face.

"I know!" Fai reached into his violet man-purse and held out a Tomoyo's puppy-shaped-chocolate-box.

Kurogane stared at it with horror.

"Your welcome!" Fai smiled up at the taller man.

"Is . . . this . . . _chocolate_?" Kurogane asked calmly.

"Yes, _Mr. Black_."

"Really."

"Yes, _Mr. Black_."

"You bastard."

"Yes, _Mr. Black_."

"Stop that."

"Yes, _Mr. Black_."

"Out."

And Kurogane kicked the other teacher out with ease.

Secretly, Kurogane kept the chocolate.

. . .

Not that that meant anything.

~H O R I T S U B A !~

Tomoyo chewed on a candy heart with the words 'Hot Stuff!' written on it.

She wasn't sure if she liked it or not.

"Sakura-chan?" she asked her friend, placing her chin on her knees and her arms around her legs. She was sitting on her desk. Not the most comfortable position.

"Yes?" Sakura answered, holding a heart shaped lollypop. She wanted that lollypop.

"Do you like Syaoran-kun?"

Tomoyo wasn't sure why she had asked this. She _wanted_ to ask if she could have that lollypop, but for some reason _that _came out. _Why?_

Sakura's face flared up. "E-e-excuse m-m-me?"

"You do."

Sakura looked as though she would die.

"Have you licked that lolly?"

"Um," Sakura stammered. "No, do you want it?"

"No, actually, I think I prefer the candy hearts."

~H O R I T S U B A !~

Yuui T. Fluorite sat in his desk watching that red, little ladybug with the broken wing try to fly. It failed over and over. Yuui felt sad. He almost wanted to cry—of course, that would be silly. It was only an insect.

So it is, Yuui thought. But it's a nice one. He smiled kindly.

A wad of heavy newspaper came down upon Mr. Lady Bug. Yuui frowned unkindly.

"Got it," came the rough voice of Suwa Kurogane.

Yuui gave the darker man a desperate look under his rectangular red glasses. "You . . . You killed it."

"Um, yeah," Kurogane sated, rubbing the back of his neck.

"You _killed_ it."

"Was it your . . . pet?"

"No."

"Then I don't see what the problem is--it's just a dumb bug."

"All things deserve to _live_," Fai's twin whispered.

Kurogane blinked. "Look. I'm sorry. Let's start over. Here, I have something for you," he said, taking out the infamous puppy-shaped-chocolate-box. "I didn't want it, so you can have it."

Yuui took the box in his hands delicately, like it was a precious little lady bug. "Thank you." He closed his eyes. Tears formed.

Kurogane was taken aback. "H-hey! What're . . . Yuui? Hey, come on." He didn't know what else to do so he wrapped his arms--very awkwardly--around Yuui and patted him on the back. "Don't _cry_."

"I-I-I'm s-s-sorry! T-this is so _unlike_ m-m-me . . . I-It's just m-m-my b-brother . . . A-a-and I've been feeling s-s-so _lonely _lately . . . I don't know _why_ . . . And that lady bug stunt r-really sealed the deal . . . A-and, oooh, _I'msostupid_!" The last 'word' came out almost dementedly.

"I'm sorry?" Kurogane muttered, unsure. "Um, don't cry. . . ." He wiped one tear out of Yuui's giant blue Fai-eyes.

Kurogane froze.

_Fai-eyes?_

No, when he thought of Fai, he thought of ugliness. But Yuui wasn't ugly.

Yuui was different.

Yet the same.

They were one in the same.

And polar opposites.

All in one.

. . . Or two.

"W-what're you doing?" Kurogane heard Yuui squeak from beneath him, to late perhaps, because he found that he had kissed the chef.

_Kissed_ him.

Kissed _him_.

His life flashed before his eyes.

Or perhaps it was just a camera.

~H O R I T S U B A !~

Nanako was in love.

Momoko was in despair.


	5. Chapter 4

**Disclamier: I own nothing except the story! The rest is owned by the lovely (and evil) CLAMP ladies.**

**Warnings: Language **

C H A P T E R T H R E E : _Hell Hath No Fury Like A Fangirl Scorned_

A day ago Fai would have never understood the saying, "Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love."

Unfortunately, today he _did_.

The chemistry teacher glared at the picture in the school newspaper (_The Horitsuba Fishnet Tights Cracker Snack SICK NASTY Times_.) There he was. There he was, that douche bag. That incredibly sexy douche bag. There he was draped all over Yuui like a horny octopus.

There he was--_Kuro-Mommy. _

"Kuro-Mommy! Kuro-Mommy! Kuro-Mommy!" Fai wailed in outburst. "KUURRROOO-MMMMOOOOMMYYYYYYY!"

Silence.

The students gave him their routinely what-the-fudge expressions.

Fai smiled. It was a fake smile. _A fake smile_. Fai D. Fluorite didn't smile _fake smiles_! Wait. Let me rephrase that: Horitsuba!Fai D. Fluorite didn't smile _fake smiles_!

"Is Fai-san constipated?" Sakura whispered to the love-of-her-ridiculously-innocent-life, Syaoran, Master of Kickass Kicks.

"No, he's just going through mid-life crisis," replied the Master of Kickass Kicks aka Syaoran.

"But . . . But isn't he like in his twenties?"

"I think he's actually older then he lets on--like fifty-seven."

Sakura couldn't help but gasp. "_Fifty-seven_?!"

They both cringed and let out a quiet, "_Ewwww_. . . ."

~H O R I T S U B A !~

Whoever came up with the saying, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" was seriously confused in Tomoyo's humble opinion.

"Hell hath no fury like a fangirl scorned" was more like it. Or at least, that's what the black-haired girl thought as she witnessed Miss President of the KuroTomo Fanclub, Yoshimoto Momoko, tear up the club room in fury.

"THIS. IS. SO. STUPID. I. HATE. FAI. SO. MUCH. WHY. WOULD. HE. MOLEST. KUROGANE. LIKE. THIS?" Momoko's voice hitched and she dropped the mauled dictionary from her grasp and soon followed it, ploping to the ground.

"I'm sure Fai-chan didn't molest Kurogane-sensei," Tomoyo put in uncoloredly. She continued to read through the rest of _The hftcsSN Times, _particularly intrigued by an article on CLAMP.

"YES. YES, HE DID, TOMOYO-SAMA." Momoko sighed and glanced at the other girl. "Aren't you heartbroken? Your man got forcibly kissed by a guy--Fai no less."

"I do believe it's impolite to call Fai-chan 'Fai', Momo-chan," Tomoyo said as Momoko frowned. "Hey, do you think Subaru looks like Michael Jackson in this picture?" She held up a page in the newspaper.

"TOMOYO-SAMA! This is no time to discus why CLAMP puts retarded faggyness into their works. It is time to talk about revenge! Revenge on Fai!"

"You obviously don't understand CLAMP, Momo-chan."

"Of course I do! I'm a huge fan of CLAMP, soul sister!" Momoko cried desperately. "Now back to business!"

"_I like CLAMP's 'faggyness'_," Tomoyo muttered far to quietly for the other girl to here her, pouting. "Hey, Momo-chan. You do realize I'm fourteen, right?"

"Yeah, so?" Momoko blinked.

Tomoyo bit her lip. "Um, alright. Just making sure."

"Now, let's plot our reeeevvenngggeee~" And with that Moko-chan proceeded with the ol' evil laughter charade.

Tomoyo sat there and day-dreamed about candy hearts. Not lollipops, she noted awkwardly. _Candy hearts_.

~H O R I T S U B A !~

"Are Kuro-myuu and Yuui-chan doing the Hokey Pokey?!"

"What?"

"Are Kuro-rin and Yuui-Yuui doing the Cha Cha Slide?!"

"Huh?"

"Are Kuro-wan and Yuui-Cuzoo doing the Hardcore Twister!?"

"Fai, I do not comprehend. No, Kurogane and Yuui are not doing a dance nor a game. They are teaching."

Fai draped over the Chairman's desk like a wet blanket.

Yuuko sighed. "Okay. I do get it. It took me some time, but now I do." When Fai didn't reply she added, "I saw _The_ . . . _The whatever-it's-called Times _and my immediate thought was, 'Hey! This isn't Kurogane and Fai! This is in fact Fai's identical twin, Yuui! You can tell by his mullet!'"

Fai sniffed. "Y-Y-Yuui d-d-doesn't h-h-have a m-muulllee_EEEEEEEEEETTTTTTT_~!" he cried.

"I was trying to make you feel better," Yuuko stated and patted her BFFL on the back.

"Everything will be all right. Everything will turn out just fine."

~H O R I T S U B A !~

Yuuko should not be aloud to talk when comforting people, for she lies. Or she just doesn't know what she's talking about, which I'm doubting considering Yuuko was a clever, clever woman.

Everything will turn out just fine?

Ha!

We all know for a _fact _that Kurogane and Yuui were, in fact, doing the Hardcore Twister. Or at least they will be in future.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**A/N: This was such crack...XD Oh lordy. **


	6. Chapter 5

**Disclamier: I own nothing except the story! The rest is owned by the lovely (and evil) CLAMP ladies.**

**A/N: The last chapter says "Chapter Three" when it's really "Chapter Four." My bad. Can't change it though because I'm on a new computer. ~:O Anyway! It's been a long time since I've added to this thing!**

C H A P T E R F I V E : _Enter the Bimbo_

"Hello and Good morning, my fellow Horitsubians! This is Li Syaoron reporting from the Horitsuba News Desk—that's right, kids, Syaoron with an O—aka the much cooler twin," announced the brown headed boy from the Yuui's classroom television. "On today's top news headline—a new teacher! That's right ladies and gents and inbetweens! A new teacher! As we all know, dear ol' Fei Wong Reed-san moved on to bigger and better things and is now principle of ultra rival school—Buh-Tachen Gakuen. It brings me to tears! You will be missed, Reed-san." The boy coughed as if moments away from a giggle fit.

"Anywaaaay, back to business! The open slot was indeed—theatre! Woohoo! And the new teacher of the arts will be non other than the beautiful, talented Chi Chobit! And, so my dear children, that is the end of our segment! Until next time, this is the Cooler Twin sighing out! Eh, that's the Syaoron with an O, people."

Momoko stared up at the blank television screen with glazed eyes.

"Yoshimoto-san, your stew is on fire!" Yuui exclaimed from across the room.

Momoko eyes focused on his Home Ec. teacher. "Eh?"

_**KABOOM!**_

"I don't suppose you'll charge for that?" Momoko asked Yuui nervously as he washed the grim from her face with a warm wash cloth.

The man sighed. "Of course not. It was a mistake—ah, Yoshimoto-san, I think you might need to go visit Seishiro-san—you have a cut on your forehead.

"Ah. . . ." The pigtailed girl touched her forehead and what do y'know—blood. "Okay." She bowed to the chef, thanking him and headed out.

Not that she was really going to the nurse. (They never did see that one kid, Subaru, come back. . . .)

"_Little Bunny Foo Foo, hoppin' through the forest, pickin' up some field mice and boppin' them on the head. . . ._" Momoko was cut off in mid bored-so-I'm-singing-a-weird-song.

"Chi is so lost! Haha, Chi is always so dumb. . . ." It was the new teacher, Momoko guessed, standing there, talking to a man. She was adorable—with large brown eyes and long dark blonde hair. She wore the most stylish outfit—her apperance was that of a runway model.

"Aw, don't worry about is, sweetiepie," said the man in a teasing voice, "everyone gets lost in Horitsuba on their first day—it's a big school, no doubt."

Wait . . .

"Fai-sensei?!" Momoko whispered with surprise.

Fai held out a hand to the young woman. "Here, come with me, I'll show you to the theatre."

Chi giggled, taking the blond teacher's hand with ease. "Chi is very thankful."

The moment they disappeared from sight Momoko had a "kawaii" meltdown.

Tomoyo fiddled with her video camera, sighing.

She was heading towards the gym with a slow pase and a sad frown. She wanted to ask some advice . . . from Mr. No Understand Girl Logic Rawr. But still—who else would she go to? Surely not _Sakura. _

Hanako stared at the KuroFai newpaper picture for the last time before she hurdled it into the blazing (random much?) fire.

_**"THAT. ISN'T. !!!!"**_

Yuui wasn't good at science, really. He didn't understand it at all. That's why he was suited for cooking and NOT science—unlike Fai, who he DID NOT UNDERSTAND AT ALL.

Ahem.

Especially when had taped a ransom note to his classroom fridegerator with a Hello Kitty bandage.

_Dear Yuui-cazoo,_

_ I HATE YOU. /3_

_ You have betrayed me, my dear brother. ):_

_ Therefore you shall pay! :O_

_ Until you return my KURO-CHII-MAMA I will kept your FAVORITE SPACTULA MR. CLAMMY hostage. You have until tomorrow—noon—by the big tree I named "Randy." _

_ BE THERE._

_ . . . Or be SQUARE. D:_

_ -Fai, the CUTER twin_

_ P.S. You have a mullet. Ufufufufu! :) _

How immature could one man get?

Obviously, VERY immature.


	7. Chapter 6

**Disclamier: I own nothing except the story! The rest is owned by the lovely (and evil) CLAMP ladies.**

**A/N: I'm back, honeys. Sorry it took so long, I've been obsessing with Glee! If you haven't watched it, please do so now!**

**Warnings: Language and yummy typos**

C H A P T E R S I X : _Merda_ Means Shit

In truth, Yuui was not attracted to Kurogane, nor was Kurogane attracted to Yuui. _Yuui and Fai look exactly alike, only not_, Kurogane would think. Yuui didn't have those three freckles that dotted Fai's neck in a vertical line. Yuui didn't sway his hips like Fai did when he walked. Yuui didn't chew his food quite as dramatically as Fai did. Speaking of food, Yuui was a bit fuller than Fai was because of that little being-a-chef fact. A bit—only something Kurogane could notice.

Only, Li Syaoron would argue about that. He noticed all of those things, in fact, including how Yuui was more soft spoken, Yuui would snort when he laugh—something that only happened occasionally, Yuui nails were chewed down and short compared to his twin's. The list could go on, but that would take a lifetime and a summer break wouldn't it?

"Oh, hello, Syaoron-kun," Yuui said, looking up as the older Li twin entered the Home Ec room.

"You were staring at the lobster," the boy stated.

"Huh, what—"

"You were staring at the lobster, only I don't think you were really staring at the _lobster _per se. You were thinking. You were thinking, weren't you?" Syaoron began to move, obstacling around the desks until he stood in front of the teacher, a desk separating the two.

"You—Well, see, you know some lobsters are blue. Blue lobsters. Syaoron, I thought you didn't talk? I mean, I know you talk obviously, but not much. Except on announcements. You talk on the morning announcements."

Syaoron stared. Frankly, that stare made Yuui feel violated—_I mean, in a good way—no! Wait, no . . . what, _Yuui would think.

"I read from a script," Syaoron stated.

"A script?"

"A script." The boy glanced at the lobster—or maybe at Yuui's hands—_or maybe you should stop thinking like that, Yuui_, the blond teacher thought. Syaoron stared at him again. "Written by your brother, actually."

"Oh my God."

Stare.

"Well, I mean—no, oh my God. You can't—I mean, you can—no, you can't just_ read _what that man _writes_. He—he, oh, _merda_."

"You ramble a lot," Syaoron observed. "Interesting. Was that Italian?"

"He's insane, my brother. Insane. But—you know—I think I'm insane too. Insane thoughts, yes. _Dio_."

The boy blinked. He really didn't have any emotions—this boy. Or maybe he did. He just didn't show them. "_Merda Dio_."

"Oh goodness," Yuui moans. "Please—_please_, don't. That—that was a place statement. I guess it was a bad statement because it meant 'shit God' which I suppose is a bad—a highly offensive—statement—insult. Oh, _oh_, um, Syaoron-kun?"

"Yes," comes as a reply.

This time Yuui stares.

A bell rings.

"Time for class, Syaoron-kun."

"**THAT'S. NOT. KUROFAI.**"

This has been said—yelled—about fifty million times give or take a few.

"Hana-chan," KuroFai Club member number seven said, "if you say that one more time I will kill you, bring you back to life, and then personally ask Kurogane-sensei to dismember you with his sword. I here he's good at dismembering limbs, that Kurogane."

"Apparently Kurogane-sensei has a big sword," KuroFai Club member four said.

"WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT FROM, FOUR-CHAN?" Hanako screamed. "YUUI? YUUI OF THE HOME ECONOMICS? YUUI THE SLUT CHEF?"

"You don't know that that isn't Fai-sensei kissing Kurogane-sensei in that picture," Seven said.

"Fai-sensei doesn't have a mullet."

"Does Yuui-sensei?"

"Yes."

"Well, okay then." Seven pursed her lips. "It's a ponytail."

"I will suffocate you and feed your decaying carcass to the KuroTomoers."

"It's a mullet."

"There we go."

"Look, kid. I'm not good at giving advice. I can't—look." Kurogane couldn't resist that look Tomoyo gave him. The one where she fluttered her dark eyelashes and bit her devilishly pink bottom lip. "You like someone. _Like_."

"Yes," the girl agreed.

Kurogane sighed.

"And it's a relationship," Tomoyo began, "that I think would be looked down upon. It would undoubtedly lead to suicide for some. One that involves me and a certain person I feel very close too. Someone who might've not thought of me in that way at all."

"Well," Kurogane started. Then he paused, looked up, and stared at her.

_Holy shit._

"And that," Fai concluded, "is the history of the Ghost of Sumeragi Subaru."

Chi gaped. "Chi is very surprised and worried. Would Seishiro-san really do something like that?"

"Probably not," Fai said, tapping his chin. He smiled at Chi. "You are amazing adorable, Chi-chan. I—" The man was cut off by the bell. "Well, that's all for today. I assume you can get back to the art studio safely, yes?"

The little blonde woman nodded vigorously. "Chi can, Chi can!" She paused, thinking lightly. Then she stood on her tip toes and gave Fai a kiss on the cheek, earning a giggle from the Chemistry teacher.

–

"I knew it," Momoko laughed. "I _knew _Fai wasn't gay!" She held her cell phone up to her face, examining the FaiChi picture. "Stupid KuroFaiers."


End file.
